Friday, May 10, 2013

Travel Advice

Don't buy trip insurance. Your sciatica flaring up two days before you head from your cushy EU country where everything works to the African bush? Definitely take a twelve hour flight and sit in coach seats. If that won't massage your aching back, perhaps you should try bouncing along in the back of a game-drive vehicle. Ignore the camp manager's suggestion to leave the bush. Complain when the doctor arrives in camp and tells you that your husband can't have any pain medication because he's severely dehydrated and you gave him two sleeping tablets at six in the morning.

Invite your guide to join your party for dinner, but wait until you sit down for the meal to make the offer. That way you'll get to see mad dash table moving/setting. Don't ask the guide to expand on life here in Africa. Rather ask him what he knows about your country. Yes, you live in a densely populated state with an obese governor. No, Baratile hasn't heard of him.

Stop the pilot from giving you his safety briefing by saying, "I flew in a helicopter two weeks ago." Listen to the pilot explain that regardless of how many times you ride in a 747, they have to tell you how the seat belt works with a look of disdain on your face. Then try to get in the pilot's seat. "Oh, sorry, in my Bonanza the pilot sits on the left." You see, sir, a Bonanza is an airplane. This is a helicopter. I agree, airplanes are much better for traveling across Florida. But the reason you're in a helicopter today is that the airstrip is closed and your Bonanza can't land on the soccer pitch.

Hire a helicopter to fly you and a professional film maker over your lodge as a part of your overall marketing campaign. Insist that because you paid for the flight, you get to ride along and use the film maker's still camera. Spend the better part of an hour trying to figure how the camera works while in the air. There will be another sunset tomorrow.

When the pilot says, "There's a hippo feeding on the edge of the river at our eleven o'clock," pipe up and say, "That's an elephant." There's no way the pilot will fly closer so that everyone in the helicopter sees the hippofuckingpotamus.

1 comment:

cynicalbuddha said...

Good tips for anyone traveling to the African bush.