Sunday, February 8, 2009

The Hedgehog

Classically trained actor. Masters degree in education. Special education teacher. Extra in "Ghostbusters." Porn star.

We waited forty-four minutes and twenty-seven seconds in line. They routed us through aisle after aisle of videos with titles like, "Totally Virgin 3" and "Fat cumdumpsters 2." We caught an occasional glimpse of him getting his picture taken with an adoring fan.

Ron Jeremy is even hairier and greasier in person. It's easy to see why he can no longer get the job done, but can only kiss the tip. The man credited with kicking off the "Golden Age" of porn has let himself go to hell. He says he traded the gym for the buffet. Don't worry, it'll be awhile before he stars in a film that brags "over two tons of fun" on the front cover but soon his costars may demand more than he just shave his back.

Mr. Hyatt was courteous and efficient as he signed our skis and a helmet. We got a photo with him and he asked Brooke for some skiing advice. Well, she said it was skiing anyway. 

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Look! There's Another One

May 28th, 1934 the first quintuplets to survive infancy were born in Canada. The Dionne sisters became a tourist attraction and cash cow for the Canadian government. Ontario decided to take the sisters on as wards of the state to help the struggling family with the burden of quintuplets.

A hospital and nursery, complete with observation area, were built for the girls and their caregivers. Observers watched them play twice a day from 1936 until 1943. Quintland brought in nearly $51million through admissions and merchandise surpassing Niagra Falls as Ontario's largest tourist attraction.

Sextuplets have only survived a couple of times in natural human pregnancies. A Woman recently gave birth to octuplets. Now septuplets will maybe make page seven, if it's a slow news day. The business of fertility has blossomed from women giving birth to litters to eighty-year-old men getting boners and chasing little boys around the rectory.

How is it ok for a doctor to impregnate a woman that already has six children? This planet has 6.75 billion people and counting according to the US Census world population clock. Check it out, the count goes up as you watch. It takes into account kids banging in the back seats of buicks, trying to save the relationship sex, make-up sex, casual sex, and every other time a sperm successfully runs the gauntlet.

It seems to me that we have plenty of folks around. If you can't have one without putting your legs in stirrups, donating a cotton swab full of who knows what, holding your knees to your chest to help some tired swimmers along, and the magic taking place in a centrifuge, perhaps you shouldn't have one.

There are plenty that no one wants. Pick up one of those. You can still mold the child into your own image and force it to do all the things you regretted or failed at, but with no guilt if it turns out to be a piece of shit. I mean, you did the best you could didn't you?